Nels Cremean - "In Jest" Shows, Keynotes, and More - Variety Artist - Clean Comedian - Keynote Speaker - Professional Oddball - Buffalo, New York, USA
Click on the image at right for a free Anti-Stress Kit with instructions! Feel free to print, copy, and share it with others.
Scroll down for more humor resources related to education, engineering, insurance, medicine, parenting, relationships, religion, work, and more. If something tickles your funny bone, click on "more" for a one-page PDF that may be quoted or shared, as long as you give credit to injest.com.
Most of these resources are ones that Nels has shared with different groups through his keynotes. Contact Nels for more info about presentations and resources that help companies, organizations, and individuals to "build net mirth."
GENERAL
LET THERE BE LAUGHTER
And God said, "Let there be laughter,
Joyful noises now and hereafter.
Let there be funny sounds of all sorts,
Chuckles, chortles, titters, and snorts."
Thus we have giggles, ha-has, and guffaws
To keep in perspective our fumbles and flaws,
Lift our spirits, ease our pain,
Relate to others, and keep us sane.
TOP 10 WAYS TO BUILD NET MIRTH
HAVE FUN FOR A CHANGE
Remember that laughter and play are essential ingredients to a well balanced life. They are also tools that can bring about positive change if used properly.
COLLECT AND SHARE HUMOR
Collect funny things as you find them. Categorize them alphabetically backwards in rows of columns and bunches. Then share appropriate, timely, and tasteful humor with others.
PROVEN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS
Take tuba lessons. Bring it to work and practice during your breaks.
Make a list of things to do today that you have already done.
When someone says, "Have a nice day," smile and reply, "No thanks. I'm cutting back."
When you get money from the ATM, scream "I won! I won! Third time this week!!"
EDUCATION
WRONG ANSWERS
(actual answers to exam questions)
Q. Expand (a+b)n
A. (a+b)n
= ( a + b ) n
= ( a + b ) n
= ( a + b ) n
etc.
CLEARLY AMBIGUOUS HEADLINES
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
ENGINEERING
ENGINEER DICTIONARY
What the engineer says.....What it really means.
All new!....Parts not interchangeable with previous design.
Energy saving features.....Uses less energy when the power switch is off.
Lightweight.....Doesn't require a forklift to move.
Rugged.....Requires a forklift to move.
PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS
Here are some actual problems submitted by pilots of Qantas Airlines in Australia, and the solutions recorded by maintenance workers.
P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
INSURANCE
ACCIDENTS HAPPEN
(actual statements from insurance forms)
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
MEDICINE
CHARTING CHUCKLES
(actual quotes from medical records)
Patient complains of indigestion since last night when he ate a stake.
The test indicates abnormal lover function.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: alive but without my permission.
GLOSSARY OF MEDICAL TERMS
anus.....slang for it isn't us
bacteria.....back door to cafeteria
constipation.....important U.S. document
dilate.....to live long
enema.....not a friend
fibula.....a small lie
genital.....non-Jewish person
PARENTING
QUOTES FROM FAMOUS MOMS
Paul Revere's mother:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
Michelangelo's mother:
"Can't you paint on the walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Albert Einstein's mother:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?"
RELATIONSHIPS
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10
"Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynette, age 8
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
Eric, age 6
RELIGION
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
10. He wears Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt to service.
9. The closing hymn for three weeks in a row was, "I'll Fly Away."
8. He announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.
7. Every time his phone rings, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"
WORK
JOB APPLICATION
(actual application submitted to fast food restaurant)
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.